Washington – In his final State of the Union speech tonight, President Bush plans to say he’s returning the United States of America to the British, whom members of the original 13 colonies fought for independence in the Revolutionary War more than 200 years ago. The National Protrusion has obtained a copy of remarks the president is expected to make as part of his speech this evening. Among those remarks is the bombshell that he is surrendering American independence.
“It is after much consideration and careful thought that I come to this decision,” Bush is expected to say. “But I feel it is high time that we give this struggling nation back to King George III and his people, and let them sort it out the best they can. I’ve given it the college try, and I just can’t seem to get us above water. Maybe the Brits can do better. I don’t know. They make good cookies. Or biscuits or whatever they call them. The ones that go with tea. So how about running this country while simultaneously running their own? I think it’s worth a shot. I think they can do it. And I’m awfully tired.”
It’s not immediately clear who on the president’s staff participated in drafting the speech, as the president seems to have made a habit recently of going out on his own, even against the apparent wishes of the White House and some of his own speech writers. “I have nothing to say about this one,” said one official who has worked on past speeched the president has made. The official spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being associated with the speech. “This one tops them all. I can’t even think about it without it getting sick. I’m drunk right now, actually, in a bar down the street from the White House. I’m on my fifth Scotch. I can see it from here, the White House. Oh, God, it used to have so much hope, that place. I used to love it so much. Now all I see is tea and cookies. Or biscuits or whatever the fuck you call those things they eat with tea.”
In other remarks, the president is expected to talk of his fondness for lemonade (“You know, icy cold, like where someone put ice in it.”) and how he harbors a desire to turn back the clock. “Many people see me as forward-looking, super confident, never second-guessing my decisions. And that is partly true. The past is the past. At least to me. And probably to you, too. But I have, of late, been given to looking back a bit, and I have to admit, I do have a wish, fantastical as it may be, to turn back the clock. Not to before the invasion of Iraq, or before the housing crisis began, or even before 9/11. No, I want to turn back the clock to the beginning of my presidency, when Barney was just a little pup. So cute, so curious. So energetic. I never knew what he would do next, and I cherished every surprise.
“Many people don’t know this, but it was Barney who counseled me on the fact that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I told him to bark once for yes, if there were weapons there, and two for no, if there weren’t. And he barked once. Actually, he did bark again, but I thought he was just hungry. Looking back now, perhaps he was trying to tell me something. But, oh, well, no use in crying over spilled milk. It’s for the Brits to figure out now. King George, she’s yours once again, Your Highness. Do with her as you will. I’m going to bed.”