Biden Quits Race Because He Can’t See Russia From Delaware

Scranton, PA – Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden made a stunning announcement during a campaign stop today that he is leaving the race, effective immediately, “because I just have to face up to the fact that I’m not qualified for this position. I can’t see Russia from my state. What business do I have being Vice President?”

Several members of the visibly stunned crowd gasped audibly, and several yelled, “No!” Biden responded calmly, saying, “I know you’re disappointed. I am, too. But all I can see from my house is the Kozinsky’s yard, and their stupid dog, and that just isn’t good enough. Not in these troubled times.”

Senator Barack Obama, the head of the Democratic ticket, was saddened by Biden’s announcement. “I’ll miss Joe terribly, and I was honored to campaign with him,” Obama said. “But when you consider the fact that he can’t see Russia from Delaware, it’s hard to argue against his decision. It is almost an unspoken prerequisite for a vice president – Can I see Russia from my state? If the answer’s no, I think you do have to ask yourself how ready you are.”

Reporters pointed out to Biden his decades of foreign policy experience, his dealings with foreign heads of state, international politics and the like. Biden said none of that makes any difference. “Don’t you see?” Biden asked. “It just doesn’t matter. All that crap. The point is, can I see Russia or not? And the answer is, no I can’t. I tried. I stood on a chair in my kitchen and looked out the highest part of the window. I even went up on the roof. But no luck. When I came back in, I looked at Jill and I told her, ‘I can’t do this to the American people. They deserve better.'”

September 16th, 2008 by